Wednesday, August 04, 2004
1621 Hrs. Times Square.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Lou Gehrig vs. Jason Giambi
It's been 65 summers since Lou Gehrig gave his tearful, emotional farewell to Yankee fans, and now another slugging first-bagger is weakened by a dreadful illness. Jason Giambi is poised to rip his tumor a new asshole, as they say, and be back DH-ing by playoff time, but how does he match up in a toe-to-toe battle with ol' Number 4?
The résumé
Gehrig: Sweet-swinging, lefty Yankees first baseman with admirable statistics, attendance record, and demeanor.
Giambi: Sweet-swinging, lefty Yankees first baseman with admirable statistics.
Advantage: The original “Sweet Lou.”
Shoes Filled
Gehrig: Wally Pipp
Giambi: Tino Martinez
Advantage: Gehrig. (Some Bomber fans still yearn to see Tino pinstriped anew.)
Nicknames
Gehrig: “Iron Horse” or “Biscuit Pants” or “Larrupin' Lou”
Giambi: “G” or “The Great Giambino” or “Dirtbag”
Advantage: Gehrig, by a landslide.
Celebrity Doppelganger
Gehrig: The talented, sometimes arrogant Gary Cooper, who played LG in Pride of the Yankees.
Giambi: The talented, sometimes arrogant Paulie Teutul Jr., who plays himself in American Chopper.
Advantage: Push
Statistical Doppelganger
Gehrig: His career numbers closely resemble those of Jimmie Foxx.
Giambi: Career numbers show he’s a more pallid, more patriotic version of Carlos Delgado.
Advantage: Nothing compares 2 Lu
Winning Tradition
Gehrig: 6-1 in the World Series.
Giambi: A 2-4 postseason record; zero World Series rings.
Advantage: One for the thumb, and then some? Gehrig.
Hall of Fame Status
Gehrig: First ballot special election got him in
Giambi: For now, $9.50 gets him in
Advantage: Gehrig
Looks good in genes?
Gehrig: Only child (of four) to survive.
Giambi: Brother Jeremy not only survived childbirth, he later became an occasional major leaguer.
Advantage: Giambi.
Apocrypha
Gehrig: His German-immigrant family celebrates his first MLB hit by dancing a congo line around the radio, chanting “Lou! Lou! Lou!…Gehrig! Gehrig!…Lou! Lou! Lou!”
Giambi: Once had an intestinal parasite. So did his wife. So did teammate Kevin Brown. (Apocryphal story is mainly to be inferred.)
Advantage: Chanting Germans make me nervous; Giambi.
Stricken?
Gehrig: Yes. What was originally diagnosed as lumbago, was later revealed to be Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, a fatal and incurable neurological disease.
Giambi: Yes. What was originally rumored to be a fatal and incurable disease (cancer), was later revealed to be a treatable, benign tumor.
Advantage: It's called “Lou Gehrig's Disease” for Christ's sake!
Bad Boy Moment
Gehrig: Banned from intercollegiate sports after he was discovered playing pro ball under the assumed name “Henry Lewis.”
Giambi: Risks banishment from baseball if it’s discovered he accepted BALCO stuff from a guy named “Greg Anderson.”
Advantage: Gamer and re-namer, Gehrig.
Signature Off-Field Look
Gehrig: Stetson Turn-Down Brim, Windsor double-breasted suit.
Giambi: Wraparound shades, UnderArmour tank, Levi's, Timbos.
Advantage: Lou Lou Lou!
Shills for...
Gehrig: Columbia University Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Gift Fund (posthumously)
Giambi: Arm and Hammer Deodorant
Advantage: Sweet hits and sweet pits? Smells like Giambi.
Once said... [paraphrased]
Gehrig: I may be dying, but I’m lucky for all that I’ve had.
Giambi: I can shoot fire out of my rear end.
Advantage: Giambi, in a rare victory of perversity over humility.
Became a Yankee...
Gehrig: June 15, 1923 (Actual)
Giambi: In 2002, on a rainy May night in the Bronx, with an extra-inning grand slam against the Twins (Symbolic)
Advantage: Push.
Recently surpassed by…
Gehrig: Ken Griffey Jr., whose 494th dinger surpassed Lou on the all-time home run list.
Giambi: A kid on a bicycle. With training wheels.
Advantage: Gehrig.
Bumper Sticker
Gehrig: The Babe gave me the clap.
Giambi: If this Harley's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!
Advantage: Giambi.
Replaced by...
Gehrig: Babe Dahlgren, who doubled and homered in his first game.
Giambi: Sure-handed, doe-eyed Tony Clark and helmet-adorned yawn-vender John Olerud.
Advantage: Gehrig/Dahlgren for pure incongruity.
Fan Approval Ranking
Gehrig: Hovering between a 9-hour orgasm and St. Francis.
Giambi: Dangling between spastic colon and Matthew Broderick.
Advantage: Yes! Yes! Yes!...Gehrig.
So, there it is. With fewer twists and surprises than an episode of Three's Company, Old G thumps New G, 12-5.
Let's face it, it's pretty damn hard to find fault with a guy who went out and played the game spectacularly every day for 13 years, and then gave a touching speech, before passing with dignity. (Even Jesus watched with envy as Gehrig's plotline unfolded.) And dying in 1941 meant Yankee fans never had to watch a middle-aged, bedraggled and drunken Iron Man get dragged out of the Copa for goosing a mobster's mistress.
And, hey #25...Big guy, the odds were stacked against you from the start. Lou's a legend, untouchable; and you're still among us, bustin' your hump all season long, and for what?! So a 195-pound, white-collar desk-jockey can poke a little fun with a "Tale of the Tape"? I think not. Chances are good that you'll be taking cuts by the end of the month, and you're sure to hear a little extra love from the Bronx faithful. They'll stand and cheer because you will have gutted out a fight for your health, and given them what they've been seeking since the Straw Man left: A guy who's not terminal, but just sick enough to inspire the other 24 guys to a World Series victory.
Play ball.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Lou Gehrig vs. Jason Giambi
It's been 65 summers since Lou Gehrig gave his tearful, emotional farewell to Yankee fans, and now another slugging first-bagger is weakened by a dreadful illness. Jason Giambi is poised to rip his tumor a new asshole, as they say, and be back DH-ing by playoff time, but how does he match up in a toe-to-toe battle with ol' Number 4?
The résumé
Gehrig: Sweet-swinging, lefty Yankees first baseman with admirable statistics, attendance record, and demeanor.
Giambi: Sweet-swinging, lefty Yankees first baseman with admirable statistics.
Advantage: The original “Sweet Lou.”
Shoes Filled
Gehrig: Wally Pipp
Giambi: Tino Martinez
Advantage: Gehrig. (Some Bomber fans still yearn to see Tino pinstriped anew.)
Nicknames
Gehrig: “Iron Horse” or “Biscuit Pants” or “Larrupin' Lou”
Giambi: “G” or “The Great Giambino” or “Dirtbag”
Advantage: Gehrig, by a landslide.
Celebrity Doppelganger
Gehrig: The talented, sometimes arrogant Gary Cooper, who played LG in Pride of the Yankees.
Giambi: The talented, sometimes arrogant Paulie Teutul Jr., who plays himself in American Chopper.
Advantage: Push
Statistical Doppelganger
Gehrig: His career numbers closely resemble those of Jimmie Foxx.
Giambi: Career numbers show he’s a more pallid, more patriotic version of Carlos Delgado.
Advantage: Nothing compares 2 Lu
Winning Tradition
Gehrig: 6-1 in the World Series.
Giambi: A 2-4 postseason record; zero World Series rings.
Advantage: One for the thumb, and then some? Gehrig.
Hall of Fame Status
Gehrig: First ballot special election got him in
Giambi: For now, $9.50 gets him in
Advantage: Gehrig
Looks good in genes?
Gehrig: Only child (of four) to survive.
Giambi: Brother Jeremy not only survived childbirth, he later became an occasional major leaguer.
Advantage: Giambi.
Apocrypha
Gehrig: His German-immigrant family celebrates his first MLB hit by dancing a congo line around the radio, chanting “Lou! Lou! Lou!…Gehrig! Gehrig!…Lou! Lou! Lou!”
Giambi: Once had an intestinal parasite. So did his wife. So did teammate Kevin Brown. (Apocryphal story is mainly to be inferred.)
Advantage: Chanting Germans make me nervous; Giambi.
Stricken?
Gehrig: Yes. What was originally diagnosed as lumbago, was later revealed to be Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, a fatal and incurable neurological disease.
Giambi: Yes. What was originally rumored to be a fatal and incurable disease (cancer), was later revealed to be a treatable, benign tumor.
Advantage: It's called “Lou Gehrig's Disease” for Christ's sake!
Bad Boy Moment
Gehrig: Banned from intercollegiate sports after he was discovered playing pro ball under the assumed name “Henry Lewis.”
Giambi: Risks banishment from baseball if it’s discovered he accepted BALCO stuff from a guy named “Greg Anderson.”
Advantage: Gamer and re-namer, Gehrig.
Signature Off-Field Look
Gehrig: Stetson Turn-Down Brim, Windsor double-breasted suit.
Giambi: Wraparound shades, UnderArmour tank, Levi's, Timbos.
Advantage: Lou Lou Lou!
Shills for...
Gehrig: Columbia University Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Gift Fund (posthumously)
Giambi: Arm and Hammer Deodorant
Advantage: Sweet hits and sweet pits? Smells like Giambi.
Once said... [paraphrased]
Gehrig: I may be dying, but I’m lucky for all that I’ve had.
Giambi: I can shoot fire out of my rear end.
Advantage: Giambi, in a rare victory of perversity over humility.
Became a Yankee...
Gehrig: June 15, 1923 (Actual)
Giambi: In 2002, on a rainy May night in the Bronx, with an extra-inning grand slam against the Twins (Symbolic)
Advantage: Push.
Recently surpassed by…
Gehrig: Ken Griffey Jr., whose 494th dinger surpassed Lou on the all-time home run list.
Giambi: A kid on a bicycle. With training wheels.
Advantage: Gehrig.
Bumper Sticker
Gehrig: The Babe gave me the clap.
Giambi: If this Harley's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!
Advantage: Giambi.
Replaced by...
Gehrig: Babe Dahlgren, who doubled and homered in his first game.
Giambi: Sure-handed, doe-eyed Tony Clark and helmet-adorned yawn-vender John Olerud.
Advantage: Gehrig/Dahlgren for pure incongruity.
Fan Approval Ranking
Gehrig: Hovering between a 9-hour orgasm and St. Francis.
Giambi: Dangling between spastic colon and Matthew Broderick.
Advantage: Yes! Yes! Yes!...Gehrig.
So, there it is. With fewer twists and surprises than an episode of Three's Company, Old G thumps New G, 12-5.
Let's face it, it's pretty damn hard to find fault with a guy who went out and played the game spectacularly every day for 13 years, and then gave a touching speech, before passing with dignity. (Even Jesus watched with envy as Gehrig's plotline unfolded.) And dying in 1941 meant Yankee fans never had to watch a middle-aged, bedraggled and drunken Iron Man get dragged out of the Copa for goosing a mobster's mistress.
And, hey #25...Big guy, the odds were stacked against you from the start. Lou's a legend, untouchable; and you're still among us, bustin' your hump all season long, and for what?! So a 195-pound, white-collar desk-jockey can poke a little fun with a "Tale of the Tape"? I think not. Chances are good that you'll be taking cuts by the end of the month, and you're sure to hear a little extra love from the Bronx faithful. They'll stand and cheer because you will have gutted out a fight for your health, and given them what they've been seeking since the Straw Man left: A guy who's not terminal, but just sick enough to inspire the other 24 guys to a World Series victory.
Play ball.
